


Professor Remus J. Lupin, Specializing in DADA and Sexual Education

by krabapple



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-09
Updated: 2011-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-27 03:39:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/291224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krabapple/pseuds/krabapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius has to give "the talk" to Harry, but Remus needs to give it to Sirius first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Professor Remus J. Lupin, Specializing in DADA and Sexual Education

Once more, Sirius was reminded why he never underestimated Remus Lupin. Remus had brought _visual aids_.

They sat on the bed in Sirius' old room in Grimmauld Place, the one he had had first as a child, then as a teenager. Remus sat near the foot of the bed, Sirius near the headboard, a careful gaze surveying the various objects, vials and even scraps of paper – spells written down for practice, no doubt – that were scattered between them. The Muggle girls on the wall stared down at them mercilessly, and Sirius, a grown man of thirty-five, found himself squirming with something quite close to embarrassment. Remus, in another display of his uncanny abilities, grinned.

"If this makes you uncomfortable . . ." Remus started, trailing off purposefully.

"I'm not uncomfortable, Moony," Sirius replied, noting Remus' own slight smile at the use of the nickname. Remus never tired of it these days, and that smile always brought a simultaneous smile to Sirius' own face and a tug to his heart. It was true, too. He wasn't uncomfortable to for his own sake; most of his own virtue had long since disappeared, been used up mostly by Remus, swallowed by the heavy red curtains surrounding Gryffindor beds or the walls of the flat above the Indian restaurant, chased away by Remus' mouth, his fingers, his palms. It was the thought of lining these same things up in front of _Harry_ that made Sirius squirm once again.

"It's my duty as his godfather," Sirius said, as if it were some kind of mantra, even a charm to keep the slight flush off his cheekbones.

"Well. Hogwarts does see to the basics," Remus said reasonably, as if he hadn't orchestrated the entire thing, fished the idea out of Sirius' vague fumbling and stammering and arranged for the children to be notably absent, doing the rest of their Christmas shopping with Molly down in Diagon Alley. The old bedroom was also Remus' idea -- if someone did come home early, they were unlikely to look for them here.

Sirius snorted. "Does McGonagall still handle the Gryffindor girls _and_ boys?"

Remus grinned. "As far as I know."

"I have nothing but respect for Minerva, but –"

"Hearing her talk on male masturbation is . . . scarring," Remus finished. They both laughed at the memory. "And on safe sex –" Remus started.

Sirius held up a hand. "Don't even finish that sentence. The image of her rolling a condom onto a banana is seared into my brain."

At that, Remus laughed. "The next Order meeting is going to be interesting." He and Sirius dissolved into fits of laughter that made them sound like they were the teenagers. It was far too rare a sound, Sirius thought, momentarily sobered, though he tried to keep the serious thought from showing on his face.

Remus choked back his last bit of laughter, biting his lip, merriment visible in his eyes. Sirius felt his shoulders relax in response, the sudden tightness in his chest easing. Remus picked up a handful of brightly colored foil packages that were on the bed between them.

"So I can be assured that you know what these are," Remus said, raising an eyebrow and waving the condoms a little in the air.

"Yes, Professor Lupin, I have seen a condom before," Sirius said mock-dutifully.

"Excellent." Remus picked up a vial filled with a translucent golden potion. "Any ideas on what this is?" He shook the bottle a little.

Sirius paused. "Actually, no." He took the bottle from Remus and peered into the contents.

"Does this mean I fail the pop quiz?" He saw his smile reflected on Remus' face.

"I'll give you a pass this time," Remus said. "That's a contraceptive potion. Useful for women; prevents ovulation and women only need to take one dose a month." Remus stopped. "You probably never had any use for it." He grinned.

Sirius screwed up his face. "Nice one."

"I thought so," Remus smiled. "There are also a few charms for birth control; some are new in the last few years. They have varying degrees of effectiveness." Remus paused and picked up some of the parchment, where directions for the spells were written, down to instructions on how the wand was to be held. Sirius sniggered a bit thinking about wand control, but otherwise tried to pay attention. Sirius took one of the pieces from Remus and read the charm. "Most women seem to think the potion is still the most reliable, though a couple of the charms are good for a – spur of the moment rendezvous, shall we say."

"Do they work only if the woman casts them?" Sirius asked.

"Some are. But the one you happen to be holding is effective no matter which partner casts the spell." Remus sounded approving, and Sirius felt a warming flush start to creep up his neck. "I'd make sure Harry knows that one," Remus added, and Sirius' flush gained depth of color.

Remus looked like he was trying to hide a smile. He picked up three more bottles. First, he held up a viscous purple potion. "This is a spermicide. Kills the little swimmers." Sirius nodded.

The second bottle made a sloshing sound as Remus waved it a little. "Helpful to prevent STDs. Not all of them, of course. Most useful if taken right before the sex, but can be taken after as well. It's effective for seven days, though wearing a condom –"

"Is still the best idea," Sirius finished. "Got it."

The third bottle brought a blush to Remus' cheeks and chin. Sirius raised his eyebrows. "This isn't exactly for safer sex . . . but it does make for more, er. Comfortable sex."

"Oh." Now it was Sirius' turn to tuck away a smile. "Lube."

Remus nodded. "Works equally well for women and men."

"I see." Sirius made his voice deep and grave. Remus caught the tone and looked up to see a serious expression and dancing eyes.

"What about the charm?" Sirius asked.

Remus coughed. This time Sirius couldn't hide his smile.

"Moony, are you embarrassed?" Sirius asked.

"No, no. No. I." Remus stumbled to a halt. "There have been significant advances in lubrication and cleaning charms lately."

"That's great."

"They're not hard to perform and they are quite . . . effective."

Sirius picked up Remus' hand, bouncing the long fingers in his palm. "That's good to know," he said. He tugged on Remus' hand and Remus followed the motion, falling forward until his head rested on Sirius' knee. Sirius' fingers moved to Remus' hair, slowly stroking. Remus was quiet for a moment.

"Remus, if you're worried that I care if you –"

"No."

"Because I don't."

"I know."

"I was gone for a long time."

"I know."

Sirius' fingers began to tease, running along Remus' cheeks and jaw line as well as his hair. "You know – maybe if I had some practical experience with those charms . . ."

"The contraceptive ones?" Remus looked up to meet Sirius' eyes, his laughter apparent in his own.

"I'm quite sure those aren't necessary," Sirius said.

"You're sure your dog form is a boy?" Remus asked.

"Quite sure," Sirius said as Remus laughed.

"Then again, some people prefer the old-fashioned method," Remus mused.

"That lube . . ."

"I may be pants at most potions, but I make those fairly well," Remus answered, and Sirius laughed deep from his chest.

"I think they may need some product testing." Sirius leaned down for a kiss. It was a strange angle, and was awkward, but it was sweet, and the effort Remus put into it made Sirius' toes curl.


End file.
